I know you don't yet own a calendar, so you may not be aware that you were due a week ago.
You also may not be aware that Christmas is two weeks away, and I'd like to have you safely here soon, so you can be in our family Christmas card photo, and so you can wear all the cute little tiny Christmas outfits given to us at your baby shower. That little pink santa hat has a very short window of opportunity!
You probably like it in there, where it's dark, and warm, and quiet. I understand. But you have no idea what it's doing to your Mommy. Insomnia, heartburn, backache, leg cramps, and weird cravings are fun and all, but I'd much rather have a new baby girl instead.
Your daddy and your siblings keep asking me if I'm having any contractions. Every day. All day. Grandparents, friends, and other family members keep calling and texting to see if it's time yet. They must have forgotten that we promised to call as soon as you arrive. And Daddy is looking forward to his 2 weeks off!
Perfect strangers stop me in the store and say things like, "You poor woman!" and "Can't the doctors do anything for you?" Do they think I have an incurable disease?
The midwife says to get plenty of rest, but insomnia kinda makes that hard.
She also says to stay busy and not think about it. But I'm nearing 39, and 9+ months pregnant, so it's hard to be super busy. I'm sewing small Christmas gifts, but soon I'll run out of fabric.
My friends have all kinds of advice:
Eat a bowl of oatmeal and go for a walk.
Jump up and down.
Eat spicy food (see heartburn complaint above).
Walk a lot.
I haven't tried all of these, but I can tell you that walking only makes me feel like taking a nap, and I'm about as big as a whale, so I don't think Jazzercise or jumping is gonna happen. I don't drink beer. I tried the oatmeal, and it makes me sleepy every time I eat it.
Too bad naps are not on this list!
So, baby, I ask you this one thing: Please do not follow in your sister Claudia's footsteps, and go 3 weeks past your due date. That should only happen once in the childbearing career of any woman! It's not fair! I won't have it! Pleeeeeeeeze???